Your Requests: Blogged, Part II

Here we go again. Thus begins Part II of the all-request blog. Let’s jump right in.

“Catholicism”

Catholic: adj. Broad, liberal, general. Of universal scope, comprehensive, pertaining to all mankind.

There are potentially many criticisms one could level at any institution that purports to speak universally about an endlessly diverse planet of people. One might call it prideful. Still, there are some pretty good things happening with the church recently, primarily this new pope. It’s been a troubled time for the band, and they couldn’t have picked a better frontman. So far, he has let his deeds speak for him, and it seems like people across the board are pretty impressed. One might call it catholic approval. Still, it makes one wonder what might be going on while everyone is paying attention to Francis.

“Crunches”

Crunches are some of the most satisfying sounds. Nothing quite compares to the sound of leaves crunching underfoot in the fall. Of course, they don’t really crunch underfoot here because everything is wet all the time in the fall. Snow crunching is also one of those magical sounds. It’s something that can soothe a seriously bruised soul. The crunching of bacon is another mood pleaser, as is the satisfying crunch of a lobster or crab shell. And just from a schadenfreude point of view, almost every crunch in the movie Jackass can turn that frown upside down. Seriously, that’s a way funnier movie than people give it credit for.

 “Thermodynamics”

Ok, so I borrowed this one from a recent Cracked article (which is actually pretty good, by the way), and as the article says, this song doesn’t have so much to do with thermodynamics as it does nucleosynthesis. What it shows is that I don’t really know much about thermodynamics other than its basic laws, and that when something appears to be hot, I may or may not proclaim, “Science!” It actually makes me a little sad, because, like the pizza math from yesterday, I used to know a lot about this kind of thing, but at some point couldn’t wrap my brain around it anymore, and eventually gave up my studies in science and engineering to make no money writing. It seemed like a fair deal at the time.

“Klondike bars”

I like Klondike Bars. It’s hard to go wrong with ice cream and chocolate. A few years ago, though, they had a series of commercials that would play on Pandora. You might remember the “5 Seconds to Glory” campaign, but if you don’t, here’s a link. I get the point of the ad, but what in the unholy hell were they thinking? Hey guys, if you can listen to the woman you chose to spend the rest of your life with for five seconds without tearing your ears from your head, you can have this treat. You just have to wait five whole seconds before stuffing your fat face! Are you up to the challenge? Funny, I didn’t see the reverse version. Hey ladies, if you can put up with your husband’s drunken groping for five seconds before he passes out, you can have some ice cream while you email the divorce papers to your attorney! Somehow, I don’t think this was the entry people were expecting from this topic.

“The G spot”

The G Spot is essentially a super low-tech funhouse. Perspective and balance are manipulated in such a way that balls can appear to roll uphill and liquids can stop midstream and change directions. Some people really like it, but others dismiss it as hokum and optical illusion. If it is some weird Jedi mind trick, though, it’s a really, really good one. Somehow, time seems distorted, too, but this is just your head messing with you because of your surroundings. One thing to note for visitors is that if you don’t know where you’re going, it can be kind of hard to find. On your first visit, it’s best to have someone to guide you. It is located in Santa Cruz, California. Oh, wait. I’m talking about the Mystery Spot. Oh well. I guess the same thing applies to both. Google Maps will get you to the Mystery Spot, though.

“Crushing it”

Lastly, I’d like to say that I did a pretty darn good job of covering all these requests in 100 words or more. Sometimes, the result wasn’t what I was expecting, but it proved an interesting challenge. What for example, would I say if someone asked me in the middle of a conversation, apropos of nothing, what I thought of pig anus? Now you know. And so do I. The deadline and word restriction was very much like a word association game. You may not have been witness to the most well-formed or best thought-out answers, but what you got was kind of a window into the soul–more so, perhaps, than in my other more introspective posts. Did you see where I struggled for words, had too many words but wanted to keep it short, put up a shield, or simply dodged the issue?

“Assholes standing in line at a pizza place testing your status”

BONUS ROUND!

A special thanks goes out to those who sent me suggestions. It was fun. Let’s do it again sometime.

Pling! Pling! Pling!

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